““For years I was in love with potential, and at war with reality.””
“For years I was in love with potential and at war with reality.” My friend texted me this today and it hit me harder than any sort of normal blue bubble would. I couldn’t differentiate whether I felt sorry for her for feeling that way, or if I felt sorry for myself for knowing exactly how she feels.
I think something that unites us all is heartbreak. I think if her text bubble had said something more romantic, I might be telling you that what unites us all is love. But, I actually think that what strips back all the layers we so carefully paint upon the canvas we call ourselves, is pain. We’ve all experienced it. And if you haven’t yet experienced the pain of heartbreak, then maybe you’ve experienced the pain of having not yet been loved.
Which is more painful?
There are many scientific psychological explanations as to why we idolize someone we first meet. Why a screenplay will play out in our heads about the person we’re sitting across from on our first date, and somehow they’ve been cast as the protagonist.
Somehow the script is flowing out of their mouth. They might not even being following the lines you had written, and yet for some reason you don’t care. It’s as though you mute them and put on subtitles. And just how the French to English or English to Spanish, doesn’t always translate- neither do they- with your soul. Somehow what you actually want and what they can actually give, get lost in translation.
Maybe it’s the disappointment you’ve had in the past, thinking they were the one, when then they weren’t. Maybe you spoke the same language for a brief moment, maybe you didn’t even need subtitles, everything was just easy. Maybe all the what if’s turned into an “even if.” Maybe you thought even if they break my heart, it will have been worth it. Andso, even though they never asked for it, you give them that silent permission. That silent power. The power to completely alter your life.
Why do we do that? Why do we wrap our heart into a beautiful envelope and give it away to them? The kind of envelope that is made from that slightly shiny, super smooth, get-it-from-aproper-paper-store kind of envelope. We go so far as to take some of the fancy wax that you melt and stamp on to the back, just because. As if licking it sealed wasn’t enough- lets make sure our heart stays theirs for as long as possible. Rather than using that one pen that lives in the back of your everything drawer, you use a felt tip to address it to them. The kind that always surprises you when your handwriting turns out ten times better than you thought it could. Your heart is now sealed into a fancy envelope with fancy pen ink, and you’re officially fucked.
Because they never asked for it.
I don’t think love should be silent. I don’t think its power should be unspoken. I don’t think you should be giving away your heart wrapped up and sealed. I think love should be loud. It should be spoken of out loud too. And it shouldn’t be wrapped up, not even a little bit, not even at all. It should be worn openly, on your sleeve.
Maybe one too many times you’ve worn it there like an interactive aquarium. It washes over their hands and can feel it. They rinse off the water and move onto the next fish. You’re left having been touched, but never held. And each time this happens you swear to yourself you have learned your lesson. That the next time, you won’t open up so easily, you won’t fall in love so quickly, you won’t learn a new language just so you can claim to understand their subtitles.
But maybe that isn’t the lesson. Maybe the lesson is heartbreak itself. To learn that even though it hurts, it was worth it. Maybe the whole point of heartbreak, is not to teachyou again that it didn’t work out, but rather that it worked out differently. Look at how you thought you wouldn’t survive it the first time, and here you are having survived it the second. There might even be a third and fourth. Each time, you’ll get better and better at balancing your heart so that it doesn’t gush all over your sleeve. Maybe you’ll choose a color shirt that doesn’t stain next time. Maybe the lesson isn’t to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve, but rather to stop wrapping it up. Your heart doesn't deserve to be hidden away, even if its wrapped in the most beautiful paper and handwriting.
When you give a gift, you want it to be perfect. You think about if they’ll like it or not,
if they will open it right away or wait a little bit. You wonder if you did a good job at guessing what they wanted. You think about the expression on their face when they finally open it. All because you want to avoid their expression of disappointment when they aren’t actually as excited to open it, as you were to wrap it.
If you’ve only ever been left heartbroken. If it hasn’t yet “worked out” in the way you had hoped, why not try something new. Try not to hide your heart. Try not think about whether or not the other person will like it, if they’ll love you right away or have to learn to.
If they’re as excited as you, or if what they thought the gift would be, doesn’t match up with who you are. Show your heart and be yourself, so the people looking for you can find you.
So the people who want to love you, can.
How could my friend and my pervious self prevented ourselves from falling in love with potential? We couldn’t have. We needed to feel that pain in order to know that next time it wouldn’t hurt as much. To learn that next time we shouldn’t put on subtitles. We will turn up their volume rather than muting it. We will take what they say for face value. We will watch how they live out their screenplay, how we fit into their movie. Most importantly, are they muting you? Have they chosen subtitles for a screenplay that you don’t know how to speak? Have they cast you as their protagonist or are you an extra?Going to war with reality is the harder choice. We always think it’s easier in the moment. If we had just said the right thing or been a little more chill, said a little less. We create little battles in our minds to take up the space where the pain would have have been- when really, it just creates more pain- and we are addicted to it. Deep down there is a part of us that doesn’t think this time it will actually work out. That they’ll bump into you, and choose you to keep bumping into you for the rest of their life. Because that only happens in the movies. And for some reason it hasn’t happened in any of the movies you’ve written.
Maybe the lesson to learn is that you are the author. You are the script writer. It’s your handwriting, it’s your heart, and it’s always been your gift to give.
You get to choose who you fall in love with. You don’t get to choose who stays, but you do get to choose who you give your heart to. Maybe the lesson is to stop wrapping it up, to stop sealing it away, to stop giving it to people who don’t want it, to stop trying to prove that your envelope is softer or shinier than the other persons, to stop giving away the most special thing about you as if it deserves to be in a 5x8 piece of dead tree.
The lesson is to start being okay with heart break. To start treating your heart like its the most precious gift on earth. Because it is. There is no other gift that beats 4 million times a year, 3 billion times in a lifetime- and usually, without ever stopping- not even for a fraction of a second. There is no other gift that incessantly tries its best to keep you alive, no matter how badly you treat it, no matter how many times it’s hurt or broken. There is no other gift that can survive after life has been taken from it. No matter the amount of times you deemed it not worthy of this or that persons love. No matter how many times it “didn’t work out,” it can work out for your heart- even if you were to remove it from a body, it can continue beating if it receives oxygen. So if all else fails, take a breath.
There is no other gift, that when laid out to show its full size, does it circle the entire earth 2.5 times. It can literally give every single person on earth a hug. No matter if they are kind or mean, love you back or choose to leave. It is quite literally the only gift on earth that is bigger than earth. Maybe the lesson is to start treating it’s like its the most precious gift on earth, because it is.