““Love doesn’t bend to your good days or bad days. Love just exists, and you either exist with it or you don’t.””
I said “He’s teaching me things.” And they replied, “Is he teaching you things or is it the circumstances that are teaching you things?”
At first I wanted to rebut quickly, to defend him, to say “No really it’s him.” But as I took a breath to think before replying, I began to wonder.
They asked me “Why not him?” And pointed to a stranger in line next to us. I looked at the stranger and felt nothing. I began to wonder why not him also. What is it about this other person that I feel?
So I replied, “Yes it is the circumstances as well, but it’s the circumstances with him.” And as I described what it is I want from a relationship, they asked me “And is he that?”
To be honest, I don’t know. Maybe it is because I need more time to get to know him, truly know him. To see him in times of busy-ness, times of sadness, times where he has to make a decision as to what he wants in life and am I in that decision? I don’t know if he is those things yet and maybe it is okay that I don’t know yet. It will come to me.
I know that I hope he is. I know that I do see those things inside of him that I want. Whether he encompasses all of them to the maximum extent, that is what I do not know yet.
I know that the has shown up in ways that people before him haven’t. And he has shown up despite there being circumstances that challenged him to be able to show up in the first place. He has shown up more than people in the past, more than those who were entirely able should they have wanted to.
Is he able to give back to me the amount of emotional depth that I know I want in a relationship?
Is he able to give back to me the commitment I know I want from a person?
Regardless of the things he has going on in his life, does he want me as one of those things?
Am I near the top of the that list? I don’t need to be above all else, but are there things that I am above?
The list of things in their life can change. Things will be added and taken off of the list as we go through different parts of our life and become new versions of ourself. What differs between a relationship that works and one that doesn’t, is that your partner remains on that list.
If either of you takes the other off of that list, there is no longer a relationship at all.
If too many things are above the other person on the list, it might not be worth it anymore to stay in that relationship.
The most beautiful part of a relationship is the part where they choose you. And if there are too many things on the list, if there are too many things above you on the list, if you’re not on that list at all, well then you’re not being chosen. And if you’re not being chosen, then choose yourself and walk away.
There are times in life when your list will rearrange. When things will come above them, when things will have to come above them.
Someone told me that 80/20 is the golden ratio of love. When eighty percent of the time they choose you, they put you above all else, the happy days are happy, and the bad days stay in that twenty percent. I agreed with that person at the time, but come to think of it, there is no numerical value you can put on love.
There are no percentages of what should and shouldn’t be, should and shouldn’t do. There is just love, and what you do with it. How you do it, how you show it, how you give it how you receive it.
There is no “Today I give eighty because you feel sick you give twenty.” I understand the principle, it makes some sense, but love doesn’t bend to the existence of math nor sickness.
Love doesn’t bend to your good days or bad days. Love just exists, and you either exist with it or you don’t.
Because you are sick today I will try my best to give you what you need and what we need.
Because I am sick today I will also try my best to give you what you need and also what we need.
If we are consistently choosing to do our best for ourselves, for the other, for the “us,” it’s possible it just might work out.
If we are constantly rearranging our list, but choosing to keep the other near the top of it, it just might work out.
If we recognize that some days our best might be different than the other days, and the same goes for them, and we choose to love them regardless, it just might work out.
I don’t know yet know if he can give me everything I want and need. I don’t yet know if he will keep me at the top of his list, let alone on his list. I don’t yet know if he will choose me when my best is all I can give and when it’s not as good as yesterday.
I don’t yet know the answers to these questions. I can only hope that he continues to show up the way he has been. I can only hope that he continues to choose me in the present, because the future is unknown.
If we knew it, it would be called the past. But we don’t know it.
We don’t know if our list will stay the same, we don’t know who we will add or take off of it, what we will add or erase. We don’t know anything other than the choices we are faced with, how we feel about them, and then hopefully what we are going to do with them.
It might not work out if you ask them to choose you tomorrow and ten years from now and then thirty.
It might not work out if you ask them to keep you on their list and at the top of it.
It might not work out, period. But that is the risk you have to being willing to take with love.
We lose everything we lose eventually. The dog dies, the grandfather passes, your wife leaves this earth before you, and sometimes it just doesn’t work out.
To give your heart to someone knowing they have the power to break it, is the most beautiful gift you can give. It is also the most beautiful gift you can receive.
To know that one day they will break your heart, but you say “I trust you to break it, and you are worth it.”
He might be teaching me these things or it might be the circumstances. I don’t know yet. Just as I don’t know if it will work out.
What I do know is that I trust him to break it and he is worth it.