There are people that come into our lives every single day, some have more influence than others, some influence us without us even knowing it. On small scales and large ones. The person at the gas station that you hand a twenty dollar bill to in order to fill your tank compliments your nose. The same nose that you looked at in the mirror today and thought to yourself you didn't really like it that much. And for a brief second that person reminded you that maybe those thoughts you have about the things you don't like about yourself aren’t the truth. No one can change how you feel about yourself entirely, no one can truly make you love the flaws you think you have. But in that brief second when that gas station attendant noticed the good in something you considered bad, it’s in that second, that the influence comes. That compliment changes you, that person changes you. That crush you have in the fifth grade that makes you want to go to sleep early Sunday so you can wake up and it will be Monday already. That feeling of riding the bus with butterflies in your stomach because you just want to get to school, and then get through first period, and then second, so that lunch can come and all the classes will merge, and you get to see them from across the cafeteria. And maybe you're too shy in the fifth grade to ever say anything to them, so you just repeat the same excited feeling every day that maybe “Tuesday I will say something,” and then “maybe Wednesday.” And that crush stays a crush from afar, but for some reason you feel like you’re head over heels. And then one day that crush dissipates, it's just the way fifth grade works. And five years later, when you’re sitting in chemistry class as a junior in high school, you daze off in boredom and reminisce about your childhood- memories of fifth grade come randomly. Random friends you had, teachers you liked or hated, the snow storms that canceled school and you went sledding, and then there's that fifth grade crush that crosses your mind for a brief second. Not in any sort of way where you miss them, because how can you really miss anything you never had, you never said hi to them remember? But you can't help notice a smile come across your face because you think about how innocent you were, and those Sunday nights wishing it was Monday, and those bus rides to school counting down the seconds until you got there, and it makes you happy. Because you think about those tiny happy fifth grade moments that are now causing tiny happy moments five years later. It’s those tiny happy moments that change you, that fifth grade crush changed you. There’s the cat your family got when you were seven that stayed in your life until seventeen. That friend you had that lived next door and you’d go over after school and eat their snacks because theirs were better than the ones at your house. There’s that first car you get and you feel like you're free to drive anywhere you want and just disappear for however long it takes you to get to where you're driving to. There's that pair of sneakers you begged your parents for every month leading up to your birthday and you open that present and finally get to put them on. There’s the grandparents that pass away that you never thought would. I mean you knew they would, but you just didn’t think they'd ever really leave you because they’ve been there since you were born, since before you can remember, you can't wrap your brain around the concept of someone leaving that’s never left before. There’s that first heartbreak when you’re sixteen that leaves you paralyzed thinking it’s the end of the world, or maybe just the end of your world, that you'll never get over them. Where your heart feels like someone grabbed it and pulled it out of your belly button. But time goes on and you realize that it isn’t the end of the world or your own world. And maybe there’s that car accident where you thought you were going to die, and that really would be the end of your world. That changes you. All of these people and events and things- they change you. Sometimes you don’t realize these things changed you until five years later, and sometimes you realize these things, they change you, as the moment flees by, and you’re driving home, gas tank full, feeling like maybe you could like your nose again. There are people that come into our lives every single day, some have more influence than others, some influence us without us even knowing it. You have awakened my soul. You have not changed me into a different person than I ever was, but goddamn you have awakened her. You are that gas station attendant, that fifth grade crush, the cat I got when I was seven, the friend that lived next door, the first car, the pair of sneakers, that loss, that heartbreak, that car crash realization. You are all of it to me.
I can’t change how you feel about yourself. I can’t be what makes you realize you have a great nose, or feet, or chin, or heart. It doesn’t work like that. As much as I want it to, as much of the hopeless/hopeful romantic that I am, as much as I want to write that movie and finish that book with the ending of “I healed him,” life and love just don’t work like that. Love is not supposed to heal you, it is supposed to make you realize that you were never broken to begin with. You are not broken, you are not weak, you are not a failure, you are not stuck, you are not helpless, and you are not unworthy. You feel you are broken because you have been so beaten down, you feel you are weak because you don’t feel the strength right now to stop the beating, you feel you have failed because your life isn’t going how you had hoped, thought, or planned, you feel stuck because you know what you want but you don’t know what to do, you feel helpless because whatever you do, you haven’t felt like you’re getting to where you want- because feeling broken and beaten, and weak, and stuck makes you feel unworthy. Unworthy of being whole, strong, successful, free, armored. Feeling these things does not mean you are them. Michael Phelps feeling like he could have swam faster does not mean he is not fast. Muhammad Ali feeling beaten during some matches, does not mean he is broken. Hafthor Bjornsson feeling weak for squatting just twenty pounds less than the world record of a ton, does not mean he is weak. Sam Cooke feeling like some days he isn’t sounding good, does not mean he is a bad singer. You are not broken, you are not weak, you are not a failure, you are not stuck, you are not helpless, and you are not unworthy.